Revelations

As I sit here, still not pregnant, and going through my second period post m/c I continue to go back and forth on my feelings on it all. I think I am continuing though the stages of grief and bouncing back and forth between a few.

My period is so different than anything I ever experienced before the m/c. It's heavier and the cramps make me miserable. It's like I am miscarrying all over again. As soon as see the blood I get worried, I shouldn't be having a period or bleeding, I should be 23 weeks pregnant.

There are some things I have worked into my head the past couple week though, in an effort to continue to move forward and cope with everything I have been through. None of this changes how I feel about losing my baby but it helps me look more into the future. I am young, 22 years old. I have the rest of my life to have children. I used to want 3 kids, now I am second guessing that. I want as many children as God will bless me with (no, we will not be another Duggar Family) but if we have 4 or 5 kids, I am completely fine with that.

I keep remembering that I cannot change what has happened, no matter how much I try to bargain. Nothing will change the past.  At this point, the only thing we can do is move on. Keep trying, and someday we will have another baby (or 2 or 3) Yes, I am not pregnant anymore. Yes, it was the hardest thing I have ever been through. But I cannot change that now. I can, however, grow from it and continue to find joy in the blessing I do have, like my 2 year old daughter and wonderful family. I am stronger because of what has happened to me and continue to get stronger everyday, especially on my saddest days. Which is a huge change from where I was a couple of weeks ago.