D&C tomorrow....nervous and emotional

Well since my ultrasound on Tuesday confirmed there was no growth of the baby and with my declining hCG levels, my doctor determined this is not a viable pregnancy. The gestational sac on Tuesday measured 7 weeks (perfect) but the baby was still measuring 5w5d, the same as last week. My options were to wait it out and see if my body would miscarry on its own or have a d&c. Since my first miscarriage was the worst experience of my life, I opted for the d&c. His first opening was Friday, so here we are getting ready for that. He also said he would to testing on the tissue to see about chromosome defects and in 6-8 weeks he will be testing me for clotting disorders since I now have recurrent pregnancy loss.

Even thinking about my d&c makes me emotional. My last one in April was for a good reason- remove a polyp which may have been preventing me from getting pregnant- and now I have to have one to end a pregnancy :( I do not know what to expect, my last one was so easy, but there was not the emotional side to it.

I am back at the starting gate, beginning my TTC journey again since this pregnancy is now official over. I never ought I would be THAT person, that person who has 3 losses, or that continues to have heartbreak month after month. I just want some answers, but I have a feeling at some point I am going to just end up with more questions than answers that can be provided. I just want a healthy pregnancy and to hold my baby in my arms :-(

Failure and jealousy

As I cried myself to sleep last night, waiting to begin miscarrying for the 3rd time in a row I couldn't help but feel like a failure. I now have a 25% success rate in my pregnancies. 1 child, 3 angels.What am I doing so wrong that everyone else is doing right? People in unstable relationship, people who do drugs, drink, smoke, don't want kids, or who are in my eyes completely undeserving have no issues getting pregnant and staying pregnant, but here we are in a very strong relationship, doing everything right, and trying to allow our family to grow and yet we have to experience heartbreak after heartbreak.

My beta levels have started decreasing again. Wednesday in the ER they were somewhere over 46,000. Friday they were 44,423. Beta levels going down is never a good thing. I should have known it was coming since my ultrasound Tuesday showed a gestational sac measuring 6 weeks and atoll sac but we never found a clear heartbeat and she never even mentioned a fetal pole. I was suppose to have another ultrasound Tuesday,not sure if I will be needing that anymore. I don't know if I can handle another natural miscarriage because my first was horrible. But I doubt at just under 7 weeks my doctor will give me a d&c. I guess I just have to wait to either start bleeding or have th editor confirm my worst fears are happening again.

I am hoping someone, be it my OB or my RE, will doing blood work on me to see why this keeps happening. Since my OB's office does not consider my chemical pregnancy as a miscarriage, I am not sure if they will or not. Maybe I can talk them into it. I have had a very successful and uneventful pregnancy so I know it is possible for us to carry a baby to term.

I have deleted facebook apps off of my phone and iPad, have no plans to log back in anytime soon and I am staying away from all things baby related. I need time, I am hurting, I kept thinking the first one was just a fluke, that thigs would be different this time,and yet I am right back in that place again,not even a year later. I cannot help but feel an immense amount of jealously for anyone who has a healthy pregnancy and anyone who has never felt this pain (not that I would EVERwish this on anyone, I just get jealous as to the "why me")

I guess that is enough for now since I am starting to cry again. My eyes are so swollen already, I don't think my body can handle much more of it. I just hope this gets over quickly so I can move on- not move on and try again. I don't know if I want to try again for a while. I just don't want to be in pain and could not handle another loss.

3rd times the charm?

Much to my surprise, 33 days after my chemical pregnancy I decided to take a test. And low and behold, it was positive! I was completely shocked, I didn't expect it to happen so soon after the CP. The next morning, tested again and got another faint but positive test, so soemthing inside of me told me to use my digital. I was totally expecting to read "Not Pregnant" because the line was so faint but this is what I got:

I was so excited/scared/nervous, and basically any emotion you can feel. I called the doctor and started beta draws to monitor my hcg. Friday's levels (at about 10 or 11 dpo- the same day I got this positive on the digi) came back at 10.4! NO clue how the digital was positive with levels that low!

I got repeate bloodwork on Sunday and the lab tech gave me a number to call that night to get my number so I didn't have to wait for the doctor the following day. I called and they said it was at 29.8! It has more than doubled, I was so relieved!

Tuesday was my last blood draw, levels came back at 79.8! So they are headed in the right direction, now I just have to have faith and hope in myself and God that they will continue to rise like they should. I have an ultrasound scheduled for August 14, less than 2 weeks, I think I can make it! I will be 6-7 weeks so I am hoping to see a heartbeat. I have slowly started telling family and friends but if all goes well at the ultrasound, I know I will not be able to contain my excitement!!
 Please stick, little bean!!

"That doesn't count as a miscarriage"

DH had his varicocelectomy on Tuesday June 19th. I've told him since they scheduled it that I would probably find out I was pregnant the day after his surgery, making the surgery pointless. Well, low and behold 4 days later I saw 2 beautiful (but very faint) pink lines on a test...or 10 of them. I was so worried Because the line was so light. but I figured it would get darker. Well Monday it didn't get darker, it actually went away. After getting 9 positives on 2 different brands of tests it was now negative. I knew in my heart what that meant... I was having a chemical pregnancy. I called my doctor with the concerns and they were going to do hCG draws Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to see if it was doubling like it should. While at the lab I used the bathroom an noticed I had started bleeding. Fears confirmed. I had lost another baby. I called the doctors office again tuesday to see where my levels were and see what they Said about the bleeding. My level were already down to 3.3. Already negative and no need to repeat on Wednesday. She said they don't even count that as a miscarriage since it is so common and my "period" was only two days late. Had I not tested the day my period was due, I wouldn't have even known I was pregnant. I don't care what they say, I WAS pregnant. And now I'm not. I now have another due date to deal with-March 4, 2013.
While this loss is no where near as hard emotionally, it still hurts. I don't even know where to turn at this point. No one even knew I was pregnant so I don't have anyone I can talk to. The sadness is just continuing to build. :-(

But I did see a RE before I found out and IF I am not pregnant (but I so hope I am) by September, DH will do another semen analysis. And then the next cycle around then I will start clomid cd 3-7, have an ultrasound cd 13, if my follicles look good, I will trigger ovulation with ovidrel. We will either do IUI (artificial insemination) or know that I will ovulate in the next 36 hour and know when to get busy on our own.

All I know is if I see one more pregnancy announcement/baby belly/ gender reveal/ or anything pregnancy related, I might SNAP! I want that for me and my family. Is that too much to ask?!? I just want a baby :-(

It's officially been over a year of TTC

One year and one month ago we decided to try for another baby, we didn't think it would take very long- an when 4 cycle later we were pregnant, I was overjoyed. Only to lose that baby 11 weeks later. Now I an fully recovered from my D&C and cycle 1 post polyp removal was a bust. Cycle day 10 is here and I am hoping this cycle is shorter that the other 4 since my miscarriage. Charlie is having a varicocelectomy in 3 weeks and I really hope that doesn't mess up is ttc this cycle. His semen analysis was not so good... Low count, low motility, high rate or abnormal morphology, low viability. But he has got me pregnant once in the last year so there must be some good swimmers in there somewhere! I am hoping to give him amazing news on father's day- that we are expecting. But I am not getting my hopes up since I don't know if I will even ovulate by then.

I am relieve that I found a new ob/gyn who is helping me. Once I see the positive test he will monitor my hcg I make sure it's doubling like it shoul and give me an ultrasound before 8 weeks to see a beautiful heartbeat. My previous doctor didn't even draw my blood to check my hcg level until I started bleeding at 11 weeks.

And we also have officially decided on our rainbow's name! If it's a girl, it will be Alexia Leigh. And if its a boy we will have Maximus Allen. I cannot wait to meet my little rainbow, now all I am waiting on is the 2 pink lines!

It's been a while...

I haven't posted in a while, mainly because I have been so busy. I am now on Cd72 on the cycle from hell. Not even so much as ovulating. Which, as you know, it is impossible to get pregnant if you don't ovulate. 2 negative blood pregnancy tests and an ultrasound later it has been confirmed that 5 months after my natural miscarriage, I now need a D&C. I know this is what my bd needs to get back on track, but I can't help but think if I had been given a d&c right after the m/c, maybe I would not need one now. So now I am 6 weeks from my due day and in 2 weeks I will be having a d&c.

I switched doctors because I have not been happy with mine since the miscarriage. And now I am glad I did. My new doctor is awesome, he listens to me and my concerns and is taking action. I have either retained tissue or a polyp. Both seem way it there. My HcG levels have been negative since the beginning of December so he says it is unlikely it is retained tissue this much later. But polyp are super rare in people my age (22) but he said he will know during the d&c which it is. April 19th cannot come soon enough, I am ready to put this behind me and get my rainbow! Dr said that I will be on 2 weeks pelvic rest then we can start trying right away and I will be "clean" in there so it will be good conditions for conceiving.

And he wanted DH to get a SA, which I though DH would refuse. But he agreed! We are giving his first "sample" next Wednesday and another 2 weeks later. He will get those results the day after my d&c so we will oth know what we are working with in less than 3 weeks. I really hope there is nothing wrong oth his swimmers. That would just be another thing I need to worry about. My body is doing a good enough job of messing up on its own, we don't need double trouble

I have come to accept 2 things at this point, which were hard to come to terms with. 1. I will most likely not be pregnant by my due date. Unless I ovulate right after my pelvic rest is done. But thats not likely. And 2. I will not be having a baby in 2012. Even if I were to conceive that first cycle, my due date would be in January 2013 so I will not get to hold a new baby of my own in 2012. I never thought I would NOT be pRegnant by my due day or that we would run into so many unforeseen circumstances around conceiving our rainbow. I just want to be normal and have a normal body. It is so had seeing people who miscarried after me getting pregnant and just so many people around me pregnant in general. Life is just not fair sometime but I else's there is not much I can do about that.

Oh how I cannot wait to be pregnant again. Hopefully It will be the first cycle after the d and c we will be expecting our 2013 baby.

Revelations

As I sit here, still not pregnant, and going through my second period post m/c I continue to go back and forth on my feelings on it all. I think I am continuing though the stages of grief and bouncing back and forth between a few.

My period is so different than anything I ever experienced before the m/c. It's heavier and the cramps make me miserable. It's like I am miscarrying all over again. As soon as see the blood I get worried, I shouldn't be having a period or bleeding, I should be 23 weeks pregnant.

There are some things I have worked into my head the past couple week though, in an effort to continue to move forward and cope with everything I have been through. None of this changes how I feel about losing my baby but it helps me look more into the future. I am young, 22 years old. I have the rest of my life to have children. I used to want 3 kids, now I am second guessing that. I want as many children as God will bless me with (no, we will not be another Duggar Family) but if we have 4 or 5 kids, I am completely fine with that.

I keep remembering that I cannot change what has happened, no matter how much I try to bargain. Nothing will change the past.  At this point, the only thing we can do is move on. Keep trying, and someday we will have another baby (or 2 or 3) Yes, I am not pregnant anymore. Yes, it was the hardest thing I have ever been through. But I cannot change that now. I can, however, grow from it and continue to find joy in the blessing I do have, like my 2 year old daughter and wonderful family. I am stronger because of what has happened to me and continue to get stronger everyday, especially on my saddest days. Which is a huge change from where I was a couple of weeks ago.

why did i step on the scale?

i decided i wanted to know how much my two and a half year old weighed yesterday. and since the only way to get her on the scale it to weigh myself, then hold her and weigh both of us, i figured why not. now i want to know why i decided to do that. it was horrible. i have gained fifteen lbs since my miscarriage. ugh.

i thought i would be at at least the same weight. for two weeks after my mc, i had no appetite and hardly ate. and since then i have been just eating nomal. i know too its not a huge weight gain but i was already over weight so now i have to deal with in my ttc journey. i really need to lose some weight asap. it makes things even worse knowing im carrying around all this extra weight.

2011- Where to begin?

2011 started off with a bang. I was so consumed with planning my wedding, working full time, and being a full time student that it went by way too fast. Plus, my daughter turned 2 and potty traning was in full swing. I couldn't even begin to describe what I did the first half of the year. It's all just a blur now.

May 28, 2011- My wedding day! It was the second greatest day of my life (next to the birth of my daughter) All my hard work and planning made it worth it in the end. It was beautiful and despite some VERY last minute issues with the reception hall, it went perfectly. And our family trip to Disney World concluded one of the best weeks of my life.

My new husband and I had decided we wanted to try right away for another baby. Which we did not plan on it taking too long since it took one month of not preventing to concieve our daughter. 3 months later, in early September, I felt like something wasn't right. I felt just like I did when I was pregnant with my daughter, so I tested thee next morning and sure enough it was positive! Words could not describe how excited we were. I was due May 16th and arranged my class schedule to fit this so I could have some time of with the baby without worrying about school.

We had told all of our close family and they were just as excited as we were. But then October 23 everything began to change. I was almost 11 weeks and I noticed some spotting and freaked out. I called the dr the next morning (and by this point, the spotting was a lot worse) The nurse did not seem concerned. I went in the following day for blood work, which should a quant level of 10,000 ("normal" for 2-3 months pregnant) but there was still this horrible bleeding, which was continually getting worse. I went back tot he drs on Friday for anoth blood work (which I would not get the results of until Monday) and I had also started cramping. Since the nurse still did not seem to care, I left and went right to the emergency room. Something was wrong, I could tell. They did blood work and gave me an ultrasound. The diagnosis: I was miscarrying. My HCG was now at 4,400. I broke down. October 28, 2011 was easily the worst day of my life.

The weeks that followed were horrific. I was bleeding so heavily (but I was glad I did not need a D&C) and I felt so alone. I no longer was pregnant, I felt empty. Everyone around me seemed to be pregnant and I should have been experiencing that joy with them. I had weekly blood draws (a total of 9 blood draws in 6 weeks) and slowly my hcg returned to 0. Which was the last day I had any connection to this pregnancy. There was now nothing to show for it.

Now that 2011 is over, I can say it was the best and worst of my life. I did not have my normal holiday spirit this year and just went through the motions. Slowly, I am beginning to get back to normal. Some days are easier than others and there are a few reminders of my pregnancy that still set me off. But thast pretty much sums up the year that was 2011. I am really hoping 2012 is better than the way my year ended. And only one thing can make it that way: I NEED MY RAINBOW!