Sunday, January 22, 2012

Revelations

As I sit here, still not pregnant, and going through my second period post m/c I continue to go back and forth on my feelings on it all. I think I am continuing though the stages of grief and bouncing back and forth between a few.

My period is so different than anything I ever experienced before the m/c. It's heavier and the cramps make me miserable. It's like I am miscarrying all over again. As soon as see the blood I get worried, I shouldn't be having a period or bleeding, I should be 23 weeks pregnant.

There are some things I have worked into my head the past couple week though, in an effort to continue to move forward and cope with everything I have been through. None of this changes how I feel about losing my baby but it helps me look more into the future. I am young, 22 years old. I have the rest of my life to have children. I used to want 3 kids, now I am second guessing that. I want as many children as God will bless me with (no, we will not be another Duggar Family) but if we have 4 or 5 kids, I am completely fine with that.

I keep remembering that I cannot change what has happened, no matter how much I try to bargain. Nothing will change the past.  At this point, the only thing we can do is move on. Keep trying, and someday we will have another baby (or 2 or 3) Yes, I am not pregnant anymore. Yes, it was the hardest thing I have ever been through. But I cannot change that now. I can, however, grow from it and continue to find joy in the blessing I do have, like my 2 year old daughter and wonderful family. I am stronger because of what has happened to me and continue to get stronger everyday, especially on my saddest days. Which is a huge change from where I was a couple of weeks ago.

Monday, January 9, 2012

why did i step on the scale?

i decided i wanted to know how much my two and a half year old weighed yesterday. and since the only way to get her on the scale it to weigh myself, then hold her and weigh both of us, i figured why not. now i want to know why i decided to do that. it was horrible. i have gained fifteen lbs since my miscarriage. ugh.

i thought i would be at at least the same weight. for two weeks after my mc, i had no appetite and hardly ate. and since then i have been just eating nomal. i know too its not a huge weight gain but i was already over weight so now i have to deal with in my ttc journey. i really need to lose some weight asap. it makes things even worse knowing im carrying around all this extra weight.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

2011- Where to begin?

2011 started off with a bang. I was so consumed with planning my wedding, working full time, and being a full time student that it went by way too fast. Plus, my daughter turned 2 and potty traning was in full swing. I couldn't even begin to describe what I did the first half of the year. It's all just a blur now.

May 28, 2011- My wedding day! It was the second greatest day of my life (next to the birth of my daughter) All my hard work and planning made it worth it in the end. It was beautiful and despite some VERY last minute issues with the reception hall, it went perfectly. And our family trip to Disney World concluded one of the best weeks of my life.

My new husband and I had decided we wanted to try right away for another baby. Which we did not plan on it taking too long since it took one month of not preventing to concieve our daughter. 3 months later, in early September, I felt like something wasn't right. I felt just like I did when I was pregnant with my daughter, so I tested thee next morning and sure enough it was positive! Words could not describe how excited we were. I was due May 16th and arranged my class schedule to fit this so I could have some time of with the baby without worrying about school.

We had told all of our close family and they were just as excited as we were. But then October 23 everything began to change. I was almost 11 weeks and I noticed some spotting and freaked out. I called the dr the next morning (and by this point, the spotting was a lot worse) The nurse did not seem concerned. I went in the following day for blood work, which should a quant level of 10,000 ("normal" for 2-3 months pregnant) but there was still this horrible bleeding, which was continually getting worse. I went back tot he drs on Friday for anoth blood work (which I would not get the results of until Monday) and I had also started cramping. Since the nurse still did not seem to care, I left and went right to the emergency room. Something was wrong, I could tell. They did blood work and gave me an ultrasound. The diagnosis: I was miscarrying. My HCG was now at 4,400. I broke down. October 28, 2011 was easily the worst day of my life.

The weeks that followed were horrific. I was bleeding so heavily (but I was glad I did not need a D&C) and I felt so alone. I no longer was pregnant, I felt empty. Everyone around me seemed to be pregnant and I should have been experiencing that joy with them. I had weekly blood draws (a total of 9 blood draws in 6 weeks) and slowly my hcg returned to 0. Which was the last day I had any connection to this pregnancy. There was now nothing to show for it.

Now that 2011 is over, I can say it was the best and worst of my life. I did not have my normal holiday spirit this year and just went through the motions. Slowly, I am beginning to get back to normal. Some days are easier than others and there are a few reminders of my pregnancy that still set me off. But thast pretty much sums up the year that was 2011. I am really hoping 2012 is better than the way my year ended. And only one thing can make it that way: I NEED MY RAINBOW!