Failure and jealousy

As I cried myself to sleep last night, waiting to begin miscarrying for the 3rd time in a row I couldn't help but feel like a failure. I now have a 25% success rate in my pregnancies. 1 child, 3 angels.What am I doing so wrong that everyone else is doing right? People in unstable relationship, people who do drugs, drink, smoke, don't want kids, or who are in my eyes completely undeserving have no issues getting pregnant and staying pregnant, but here we are in a very strong relationship, doing everything right, and trying to allow our family to grow and yet we have to experience heartbreak after heartbreak.

My beta levels have started decreasing again. Wednesday in the ER they were somewhere over 46,000. Friday they were 44,423. Beta levels going down is never a good thing. I should have known it was coming since my ultrasound Tuesday showed a gestational sac measuring 6 weeks and atoll sac but we never found a clear heartbeat and she never even mentioned a fetal pole. I was suppose to have another ultrasound Tuesday,not sure if I will be needing that anymore. I don't know if I can handle another natural miscarriage because my first was horrible. But I doubt at just under 7 weeks my doctor will give me a d&c. I guess I just have to wait to either start bleeding or have th editor confirm my worst fears are happening again.

I am hoping someone, be it my OB or my RE, will doing blood work on me to see why this keeps happening. Since my OB's office does not consider my chemical pregnancy as a miscarriage, I am not sure if they will or not. Maybe I can talk them into it. I have had a very successful and uneventful pregnancy so I know it is possible for us to carry a baby to term.

I have deleted facebook apps off of my phone and iPad, have no plans to log back in anytime soon and I am staying away from all things baby related. I need time, I am hurting, I kept thinking the first one was just a fluke, that thigs would be different this time,and yet I am right back in that place again,not even a year later. I cannot help but feel an immense amount of jealously for anyone who has a healthy pregnancy and anyone who has never felt this pain (not that I would EVERwish this on anyone, I just get jealous as to the "why me")

I guess that is enough for now since I am starting to cry again. My eyes are so swollen already, I don't think my body can handle much more of it. I just hope this gets over quickly so I can move on- not move on and try again. I don't know if I want to try again for a while. I just don't want to be in pain and could not handle another loss.