D&C tomorrow....nervous and emotional

Well since my ultrasound on Tuesday confirmed there was no growth of the baby and with my declining hCG levels, my doctor determined this is not a viable pregnancy. The gestational sac on Tuesday measured 7 weeks (perfect) but the baby was still measuring 5w5d, the same as last week. My options were to wait it out and see if my body would miscarry on its own or have a d&c. Since my first miscarriage was the worst experience of my life, I opted for the d&c. His first opening was Friday, so here we are getting ready for that. He also said he would to testing on the tissue to see about chromosome defects and in 6-8 weeks he will be testing me for clotting disorders since I now have recurrent pregnancy loss.

Even thinking about my d&c makes me emotional. My last one in April was for a good reason- remove a polyp which may have been preventing me from getting pregnant- and now I have to have one to end a pregnancy :( I do not know what to expect, my last one was so easy, but there was not the emotional side to it.

I am back at the starting gate, beginning my TTC journey again since this pregnancy is now official over. I never ought I would be THAT person, that person who has 3 losses, or that continues to have heartbreak month after month. I just want some answers, but I have a feeling at some point I am going to just end up with more questions than answers that can be provided. I just want a healthy pregnancy and to hold my baby in my arms :-(

Failure and jealousy

As I cried myself to sleep last night, waiting to begin miscarrying for the 3rd time in a row I couldn't help but feel like a failure. I now have a 25% success rate in my pregnancies. 1 child, 3 angels.What am I doing so wrong that everyone else is doing right? People in unstable relationship, people who do drugs, drink, smoke, don't want kids, or who are in my eyes completely undeserving have no issues getting pregnant and staying pregnant, but here we are in a very strong relationship, doing everything right, and trying to allow our family to grow and yet we have to experience heartbreak after heartbreak.

My beta levels have started decreasing again. Wednesday in the ER they were somewhere over 46,000. Friday they were 44,423. Beta levels going down is never a good thing. I should have known it was coming since my ultrasound Tuesday showed a gestational sac measuring 6 weeks and atoll sac but we never found a clear heartbeat and she never even mentioned a fetal pole. I was suppose to have another ultrasound Tuesday,not sure if I will be needing that anymore. I don't know if I can handle another natural miscarriage because my first was horrible. But I doubt at just under 7 weeks my doctor will give me a d&c. I guess I just have to wait to either start bleeding or have th editor confirm my worst fears are happening again.

I am hoping someone, be it my OB or my RE, will doing blood work on me to see why this keeps happening. Since my OB's office does not consider my chemical pregnancy as a miscarriage, I am not sure if they will or not. Maybe I can talk them into it. I have had a very successful and uneventful pregnancy so I know it is possible for us to carry a baby to term.

I have deleted facebook apps off of my phone and iPad, have no plans to log back in anytime soon and I am staying away from all things baby related. I need time, I am hurting, I kept thinking the first one was just a fluke, that thigs would be different this time,and yet I am right back in that place again,not even a year later. I cannot help but feel an immense amount of jealously for anyone who has a healthy pregnancy and anyone who has never felt this pain (not that I would EVERwish this on anyone, I just get jealous as to the "why me")

I guess that is enough for now since I am starting to cry again. My eyes are so swollen already, I don't think my body can handle much more of it. I just hope this gets over quickly so I can move on- not move on and try again. I don't know if I want to try again for a while. I just don't want to be in pain and could not handle another loss.

3rd times the charm?

Much to my surprise, 33 days after my chemical pregnancy I decided to take a test. And low and behold, it was positive! I was completely shocked, I didn't expect it to happen so soon after the CP. The next morning, tested again and got another faint but positive test, so soemthing inside of me told me to use my digital. I was totally expecting to read "Not Pregnant" because the line was so faint but this is what I got:

I was so excited/scared/nervous, and basically any emotion you can feel. I called the doctor and started beta draws to monitor my hcg. Friday's levels (at about 10 or 11 dpo- the same day I got this positive on the digi) came back at 10.4! NO clue how the digital was positive with levels that low!

I got repeate bloodwork on Sunday and the lab tech gave me a number to call that night to get my number so I didn't have to wait for the doctor the following day. I called and they said it was at 29.8! It has more than doubled, I was so relieved!

Tuesday was my last blood draw, levels came back at 79.8! So they are headed in the right direction, now I just have to have faith and hope in myself and God that they will continue to rise like they should. I have an ultrasound scheduled for August 14, less than 2 weeks, I think I can make it! I will be 6-7 weeks so I am hoping to see a heartbeat. I have slowly started telling family and friends but if all goes well at the ultrasound, I know I will not be able to contain my excitement!!
 Please stick, little bean!!